I know it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but I wanted to share this meditation as we enter the 2nd Sunday of Lent. I recently heard a sermon from Fr. Jeremiah, a Friar (Catholic monk), who was talking about whether I can trust God and has had me thinking about how much we deny that we mistrust God because of how wild that would look to others. Doubting God was the serpent’s first spiritual attack against Eve in the Garden. The serpent tells her that God knows they will be like Him after eating the fruit as if He was hiding something good from them.
Imagine that the serpent convinced them that You, the beneficent and merciful God, would be hiding something from them. You are the kind God Who gives us more than we ask or understand. You have given us the gift of life and speech to speak with You, to engage with You, and to speak about You to others. I often do the same as my ancestors and doubt You and Your goodness. How often have I, directly or indirectly, attempted to take matters into my own hands? How much do I rely on my thinking, my strength, or my abilities? I pray Your will be done, yet deep down, I want You to do my will. I deny my mistrust of You out of fear of what that would mean about me. Mistrust, God? How? Yet when I deny my distrust of You, I deny my hurt, sadness, and fear of You, not fear in being in awe of You but anxiousness. I forget the goodness that You do for me and look to the hurt and pain, and I blame You as my ancestor blamed You for the woman You gave him. How often do I overlook the beautiful things You have done in my life and focus on the painful things? Every time I allow the mistrust to take hold of me, I pluck for myself the sentence of death and am bound by this feeling of fear. A fear that doesn’t have faith and wisdom but rather control and rage. A fear that demands that You reveal Your will to me this instant. I neither acknowledge nor look for You in all my ways. Like the prodigal son, I rely on my hedonistic tendencies rather than Your Holy Spirit. I think of myself as knowing Your ways, but I am far from it. I often speak about You but am far from speaking to You.
Therefore, I cry to You to come and create in me a clean heart. A heart that trusts in You; that You are the Pantocrator, the Govenor of all things. You are provident in everything and know everything before they come and are. You created my inmost parts and have known me before You formed me. You have instilled in me Your image & likeness and have labored for me even in my indolence and slothfulness. Help me, Lord, and save me from this. As the centurion cried out to You, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief,” I cry to You, Lord, I trust You; help my distrust.